James Breakwell is many things. He is a comedy writer. He is a pig owner. He has written a book and, in his own words, he is also "internet famous." But most importantly, Breakwell is a father of four girls under the age of 7. Now, this father knows that his household will be ruled by women. It already is and it will only get worse when the girls grow up. So in the meantime, this guy is entertaining us on Twitter with the help of his little girls. Take this shot, for instance, Breakwell reassured us that he has no urge to take a paternity test, "I'm sure she's mine," the guy tweeted.
The 5-year-old is wise beyond her years, she really is. When their pet pig loses a tooth, the 5-year-old tells her dad that the tooth fairy will have to come for a visit now. Bakewell tries to explain to his kid that tooth fairies don't come when pigs lose a tooth. Without missing a beat, the girl replies back, "She does, but the money goes to me." OK then.
His 5-year-old may be wise beyond her years but his 3-year-old may be getting herself into trouble early on in life. "This is my shirt," she tells her father. "I know. You're wearing it," he replies back. "I didn't steal it," she tells him back. "Now I'm suspicious," Breakwell tweets. Yeh, we would be too.
The 3-year-old is turning out to be scary and hurtful too. "My 3-year-old learned to say, 'Just Kidding.'" Breakwell tweeted. "I just wish she didn't say it after 'I love you.'" When she learned to say "just kidding," Toddlers can be so mean.
Now the 7-year-old, well, she's the oldest and just starting to learn how unfair the world can be. "*Reaches for something on a shelf*," Bakewell tweets. When he asks her what's wrong, she gives him a philosophically simple answer, "The world is made for tall people." It is, it really is.
It's clear that no matter how much they love you and regardless of whether they think you're funny or not, your kids will always consider you to be ancient. "How old is this restaurant," the 5-year-old asked her father. "It was here before I was born," Breakwell told her. "Nothing is that old," the kid replied back. Thank you for that.
Breakwell's 3-year-old has a stage whisper that will haunt you, at least, it's good enough to worry Breakwell. "What happened to you," the kid asked her father. "What are you talking about," Breakwell asks. "*Whispering* What Happened?" she asks again. "Now I'm concerned," Breakwell tweets and well, we would be too.
But it's clear the 3-year-old has one hell of a personality despite her young age. When she hits her father's toes with her toy car, Breakwell asks her, "What do you say?" To that, the kid replied, "Move." Well, alright then, I guess we have to.
Much like most parents, Breakwell is learning from early on that no matter what he does, he will still disappoint his kids in some way. "Dad, did you ever learn to tap dance?" his 5-year-old asks him. "No," Breakwell replies back and "*looks at me like I've wasted my life.*"
The 3-year-old's reputation is not looking good on her father's Twitter account. Here's another tweet that proves just this. When Breakwell pulls over for an ambulance, his kid is furious, "No. Race!" she tells him. "She's never getting her license," Breakwell vows.
But it's not like she's not pushing her father's buttons and making us laugh while her reputation is being tarnished. "I like your beard," the 3-year-old tells her father on another occasion. When he thanks her, she's quick to say, "it hides your neck fat." Yes, this kid has no filter.
Now the 7-year-old, she isn't just a philosophical voice in the house. She's also a wise one. "Can we go trick or treating tonight," the kid asks her dad. "Halloween isn't until tomorrow," Breakwell replies back. "I know. We'll beat the rush." Well, kid's got a point.
And while the 1-year-old has a long way to catch up with the other girls, this kid is already making a name for herself on her father's Twitter account. "My 1-year-old picked up her toy phone, said 'Don't call,' and slammed it down. She gets her people skills from me."