Call me on my cellphone... if you want to give me cancer. Actually, how dare you call me on my cellphone? Are you trying to kill me? You're straight-up evil. Look at Drake dancing. He's trying to convince you not to call him. He's saying, "If you call me on my cellphone, I'm going to dance like this until you go insane, and then I'll dance like this more. Don't call me on my cellphone."
You know how video killed the radio star? Well, Steve Jobs killed the alarm clock. He murdered it. And honestly, I'm happy it's dead. I think it deserved to die. Let's face it, alarm clocks were jerks, which is why, nowadays, half of us use our phones as an alarm. But maybe, just maybe, alarm clocks were trying to save our lives. Interested? Of course you are. Read on.
Look at this douche. He thinks he's an expert. What's he an expert in, wearing pants? I doubt it. You know this guy sucks with pants. Experts like this guy are saying that's it's bad for people to sleep with their cellphones inches away from their beds.
Being hyper vigilant sounds like a good thing, right? If you heard that someone was hyper vigilant, you'd say, "Wow, I want to hang out with that guy. I bet he can spot far-off objects." The thing is, that guy probably gets terrible sleep. Using our cellphones before bed, and keeping them on at night, makes us "hypervigilant" and thus less likely to catch some sweet Z's.
A key problem with cellphones in the bedroom is light. Your body doesn't know that it's time for bed if light is blasting into your eyeballs. "But," you may protest, "this person who I met at summer camp eight years ago and then never talked to again bought avocado toast this afternoon, and I simply MUST see it." Fair point. Fair point.
Lighting up your squishy face marbles does damage because it messes with your body's natural rhythm. That's right, your body has a rhythm, even though your legs can't dance for crap. By using your cellphone late into the eve, you're lying to your body. You're saying that it's the daytime. You're not a liar, are you? ARE YOU?? Yeah, you totally are. We all are.
Do you like to have your retinas stimulated? I'll bet you do, you filthy animal. When we look at our cellphones in bed, the light from Donald Trump's Twitter account enters our eyeballs and stimulates our retinas, and when our retinas are fully erect, our brain doesn't release the required amount of melatonin for sleep.
Did you think light was white, you racist? Well it's not. It's blue, like so many lovely and hardworking Americans. Phones and tablets emit a lot of blue light, which has a different wavelength than other forms of light and creates a more-stimulating effect on the brain than natural light sources. This is why features that turn phone screens yellow help with sleep.
TVs also emit blue light, and it's not advised to watch television directly before sleep. However, most people don't watch television with their faces smushed directly against the screen, but people love to smush their faces against their phones. The less space between my iPhone and my eyeballs, the better. I'm talking millimeters.
You don't have to stare at your phone for the light to affect you. Even a quick flash can disrupt your sleep schedule, as a 2011 Stanford test determined, in which participants were periodically flashed with two milliseconds of light during the night. The effect was to delay the participants' body clock, making them more alert.
People are susceptible to even brief flashes of light because we sleep in cycles that are usually between 1.5 and 2 hours long. In between these cycles, there are fleeting moments of semi-awareness where we can easily be pulled out of sleep by the flash of a mobile device or the paws of a particularly annoying cat (yes I'm talking about you, Calvin).
Four in ten people say that they will check their cellphone if the device wakes them up at night, and I'd bet the true statistic is even higher. This happens because there's always the opportunity for our phones to give us good, unexpected news. The sensation is actually stronger than if we're waiting for good news that we know is coming.
Also you might be frying your brain. Forgot to mention that. Cellphones send out electromagnetic radiation, even when you're not talking on them. If you sleep with your phone next to your head, that's eight more hours per day that your brain is being bombarded by invisible waves.
You can't literally fry your brain with cellphone waves. If that was true, cellphones might be illegal. What is true, however, is that a 2008 study found that it takes six minutes longer to fall asleep if your brain was recently exposed to cellphone radiation. You also spend less time in a deep sleep.
As with any study, there's lots of yelling among scientists about the validity of various cellphone-related sleep studies. Either way, here's the thing: sleep is incredibly important. Scientists agree on that. So take sleep seriously. Avoid excessive stimulation before bedtime. And if that doesn't work, use a hammer, and lightly bonk yourself on the head. It'll knock you right out. Sweet dreams.