Your parents are wonderful and amazing people and you miss them dearly, but after enjoying their company for just a few short minutes, they will begin to drive you crazy asking you questions about your life and showing general concern for you as their offspring. To enjoy the holidays to the fullest, try to keep the time you spend in direct contact with your parents down to a bare minimum.
Since the moment he walked in the door and asked your mom what he had to do to get a drink around here, your uncle Mark has been on a quest to make everyone uncomfortable and he's succeeding. As a card-carrying member of the Tea Party, he's still convinced that after nearly 8 years and 2 terms in office, we, as a country managed to elect and then re-elect the first ever foreign-born terrorist agent as President. His favorite topics of conversation include: "I'll tell ya who's destroying the damned country...", "I don't see why we can't just go back to the way things used to be", and "why can't they all just learn to speak American?". As an added bonus, he also hates "the gays". Do not engage this man in conversation.
17 Years ago your Aunt Wendy found God and it changed her life forever. You can't say two words to her without her asking you how your walk with God is going or what blessings Jesus has shared with you recently? It's not so much her religious devotion, but the weird half-whisper voice she talks in that makes things so incredibly uncomfortable. The way she feels the need to say "yes lord" under her breath whenever she agrees with anything is also kinda creepy. Do your best to avoid getting trapped in a conversation with her and realize that any personal information that you share with her will be addressed in the 22-minute long prayer she will be leading before dinner is served.
She's small, frail, soft-spoken and generally seems like an incredibly sweet little old lady, but don't get her started on the Eskimos. She hates Eskimos. That has got to be the most oddly specific form of bigotry you've ever encountered. Who hates Eskimos and for what reason? I wouldn't stick around to figure out her crazy-old-lady logic. Just give her a kiss on the cheek like you always do and then give her some space. Sadly, she's full of hate, but fortunately, for equality's sake, she's going to die soon.
While technically not a person, your mom's cat, Chester is the newest and most loved member of the family and you should steer clear of this thing for your own health and safety. Chester never cared for you to begin with and since you've been living on your own away from your parents place, it certainly hasn't grown to like you any better. Even though your mom assures you the ringworm has cleared up, the cat sheds incessantly, poops in a box in the corner of your folks' back hallway, and always stares at you when it makes that weird moaning sound. I would not go near that animal.
Your cousin Paige is 15 and hates everything except her cell phone, which according to her could still be better. This will be the easiest family member to avoid because all she wants to do is avoid your other family members and play with her phone. Even if you tried to hold a conversation with her it wouldn't involve eye contact, enthusiasm, or multiple-word responses, so just don't even bother.
Your aunt Jackie is recently divorced from your mom's brother and she decided to join your family for dinner this Thanksgiving because your uncle couldn't make it this year and all of her family lives back east and she didn't want to make the trip. She's already on her fourth glass of chardonnay and seems oddly flirty for a 48-year-old woman that just recently became not related to you. She keeps putting her hand on your leg and commenting on how broad your shoulders have gotten. Despite her continued efforts to get you to just call her "Jackie", I would recommend that you keep referring to her as "aunt Jackie", while putting particular emphasis on the word "aunt". I wouldn't go in the kitchen if you see her in there by herself and in fact you should probably just keep your distance altogether.
Don't get me wrong, Caleb's a good guy, but you definitely want to try at all costs to avoid sitting next to him at the dinner table if you are hoping to enjoy the Thanksgiving meal. Not only is he a vegan, but he also suffers from a soy intolerance, a mild case of self-diagnosed celiac disease, and has a severe allergy to peanuts and other tree nuts. Any conversation with him will inevitably revolve around what you're eating, why you shouldn't be eating it, and which evil multi-national corporations you are inadvertently supporting through your selfish and horrific dietary choices. In lieu of turkey, he'll be eating a bowl of steamed organic kale that he got from his weekly organic CSA box. Also he smells.
I wouldn't talk to that guy if I were you. I'm almost certain he isn't related to you and nobody seems to know who he is. Your parents thought he was here with your aunt Jackie, but he is NOT. Someone should probably ask him to leave or maybe even just go ahead and call the police because he does not belong in your home.