Dr. Beatrice Wiafe Addai is the president of Breast Care International, a Ghana-based NGO that oversees outreach programs which educate and screen women for breast cancer. She’s a good lady, and when she was interviewed by FM radio host Francis Abban of the Ghanaian Starr, Dr. Wiafe-Addai had some important words of advice for men. And before you read further, know that I am one such “man.” I am man. Man is I.
To find out more about Dr. Wiafe-Addai and her generous organization, please visit www.breastcareinternational.org! Now, for the rest of this article, I will provide a helpful list of other things, besides squeezing your lady’s boobs “like a mango,” that you should AVOID during foreplay.
I’m not sure where this trope started, but for the love of Jesus, don’t do it. You’re in the bedroom. You’re hot, you’re bothered, you're too distracted to diligently drip hot candle wax your lovely partner. We both know you’re not smooth enough to pull this off. Plus, where do you drip it? Do you drip it, like, on the vagina/penis? I’m pretty sure you don’t drip it directly on the vagina/penis.
During foreplay never call your mom, no matter how well it’s going. She doesn’t want to hear from you right now, and you should be concentrating on other things. If you absolutely need to, during foreplay, use a post-it note to write down what you were going to say to your mom and then call her later.
The worst time to confess your sins is in the middle of sinning. You want to enjoy the sin while it’s happening because, let’s be honest, sinning is awesome. It feels great. So live in the moment, and go to church after you go to town.
Yes, Mario is one of the most iconic video game characters of all time. Maybe the most iconic. But don’t let his fame trick you into believing that Mario belongs in the bedroom. He doesn’t. Mario belongs in the sewer, crushing innocent turtles like a madman. If you’re going to bring a Nintendo character into your sex life, it should be Toad.
We all love cheese. But it’s simply unnecessary during foreplay. Your block of fresh Swiss will only get in the way. This rule is not steadfast, however, considering how much people love cheese. They love it a lot. And I could, potentially, see a scenario where some tasty mozzarella would be quite sexy. Maybe drip some balsamic on there? Oh daddy.
In 2017, Twerking is the preferred dance move of sex. The Charleston, on the other hand, is not a good dance for foreplay. Again, as with my last point, I’m not saying that you should never do the Charleston in the midst of foreplay. I’m just saying that I’ve never found a moment where it felt right. That could be me though. That could be me.
Dude, foreplay is not the time to declare independence. I understand why you would think that, but no. You need to save declaring independence for when your oppressive colonial mother state wants to tax you without representation. Then, you declare independence. But for now, just stick with stimulating the nipples.
Pulp Fiction took control of the American zeitgeist when it was released in 1994, and the film is truly an awesome movie with awesome quotes. But during foreplay? Not the time to quote Pulp Fiction. You might be feeling it, but still, no. Even if your partner baits you, moaning something like, “What do they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?” Then, you have to think, “Did they actually just moan that?” Probably not. You’ve probably just got Pulp Fiction on the mind.
This one’s important. Not only are Saltines messy, which will create a crumb-filled bed situation that is the mortal enemy of foreplay, but they’re also salty. Don’t believe me? Look at the name, idiot. It contains the word “salt.” Salty snacks will dry your mouth out during foreplay, and you want that sucker nice and moist for smooching.