So, I’m trying to do this new thing where I really try to play hard to get. But, then that doesn’t really work when no one is pursuing you in the first place. But, when I do finally get a cute guy to give me the smallest bit of attention, I’m already imagining what our kids are going to look like....and what they look like...and where we will live...and....
Well, technically some Christians predicted that the “end of days” would happen in 2011. So, maybe all the good guys did go up in the rapture in 2011, and this is why everyone around right now is the absolute worst…myself included.
After an argument, I swear I’m like Carrie Mathison from Homeland when she’s off her meds. I’m over here remembering things you said from three years ago and thinking how it would have made you collapse to your knees and weep if I brought it up. Then I hate myself forever for not saying it.
Well, I’m never going to make enough money to afford children to make such a ridiculous mistake. I know that I would not be that dumb to hand in $2,000 of cash to the police. But, knowing my luck I’d probably get a drug cartel after me if I tried to keep it.
This may very well be the worst guy at the party, but you know so many girls fell right into this trap for the sake of a photo. I want to believe that no girl was dumb enough to kiss him, but we are living in some dark times. He wouldn’t have become a meme if his plan wasn’t successful.
Well, clearly Hannah is an entomologist and not a sociopath. But, entomologists aren’t famous for their dating skills, so that caption is probably true. I’ve probably dated guys that did this and they didn’t plan on mounting and displaying the butterflies afterwards.
This is accurate for the most part. Instagram would be a little less reserved and a bit more scandalous. Ringwald’s character looks like she’d be more into Pinterest. Could Facebook be a bit more conservative, too?
And,hey, where's Myspace? Would that be the principal?
Hey, winter is just around the corner, and if I’m not getting a boyfriend for cuffing season, I’m getting fat. How else am I supposed to feel cuddled and warm during those long cold nights? Even if I get a boyfriend, I probably will just get fat for winter anyway.
“Good, good … let the hate flow through you.” Yeah, we may have all been one with the force back in 1977, but now we’re triggered AF. While we may have let something slide in the past, we’ll now write a 300-word essay about how something has offended us.
My fat butt over here is salivating and wishing I had red meat for dinner. I’ve been trying for two weeks to cut red meat out of my diet, and now I’m seeing filet mignons in cliff sides and I still look like a burger. Wait, I thought cutting out red meat would make me look like less of a burger?
“Susan, I went down into the sewer because I thought I saw a mouse go in there. But, then this crazy human started telling me I’ll float down there. Well, Susan, you know how badly I get motion sickness, so I immediately threw up in his clown shoes at the idea. He hasn’t invited me back.”
They also say, “When life gives you lemons … make lemonade.” But, come on, if life is giving me lemons, I’m using them as tequila chasers. Tequila is certainly more able of curing the pitfalls in my life than lemonade is.
You know this was everyone over the weekend. Everyone was binge-watching Stranger Things at their friend’s house Sunday night. Then Monday, everybody re-watched all the episodes so they could actually watch it without hearing all their friend’s dumb fan theories screaming over the show.