But remember, these purposes are secret! So don't tell anybody.
1. Stop Eating
According to wikipedia, "Food industries, such as milk companies, have been accused of influencing the United States Department of Agriculture into making the colored spots on the newly created food pyramid larger for their particular product."
Our ancestors didn't have access to 5-7 servings of bread daily, and we're still alive. All you need is orange juice (for Vitamin C) and Hot Sauce (Metabolism booster). Sub in a few cigarettes to overcome those annoying urges to chow down on a ham sandwich every lunch break and you're on your way to healthy living and a fatter wallet!
With Netflix and the internet these days, there's no reason to pay for cable anymore. Let's take it one step further, and just quit watching things. Who has time for plot development and talking to coworkers about what happened on the Walking Dead? There's a whole world of adventure out there, I can guarantee all of your entertainment needs can be met by sampling some of that blue/green mold that's been growing behind the washer.
Tired of dropping big bucks on Grey Goose just to impress your friends? Keep the bottle and refill with common isopropyl alcohol, which is basically vodka cleverly repurposed as a first aid product.
4. Quit Socializing
Seriously, when is the last time you actually enjoyed your friend's company? Yeah Dave, we're all having a great time while you talk about your mom's battle with alzheimers. Do you think a $20 hamburger is going to make that better?
5. Trade In Your Car For A More Fuel Efficient Skateboard
That 2009 Camry you've been paying buckets of money for is not and has never been cool. You know what's cool? Freaking skateboards. Sell that lame sedan and pick up something that'll really get the ladies talking. The fact that you're saving thousands will be your secret!
6. Rent A Room (Rent Free!)
Hundreds of dollars every month and what are you left with? The same stuff you had for free the entire time you lived with your parents. There's no reason for that. Slim down your possessions and squat in other people's houses while they're on vacation. It's like moving into a new place every week, and it's all free!
7. Check The Lost And Found
People can't hang on to anything, and that's why almost every building you go into has a lost and found. With a little perseverance and sales work, there's no limit to the amount of slightly stained children's blankets and key fobs you can acquire.
8. Have Kids? Don't Anymore.
Ever heard of a guy named Stephen King? The biggest selling author in probably the entire universe? Yeah, his dad left his family when Stevie was 2 years old to "get a pack of cigarettes" and never came back. And who wouldn't? Kids are expensive. This just proves they'll be fine without you.
Every single house on your block probably has the power on. Why do YOU need to pay the light bill when all it takes is a little trial and error and a few mirrors to redirect your neighbor's lamps into your own house.
10. Don't Pay Money For Free Water
They say the devil's greatest trick was convincing man to pay for something that falls out of the sky for free. Potholes are basically free wells. Scoop that stuff out of there and run it through a coffee filter, Dasani can suck it.