When your prospect is like, "I only date cut guys," and you're like "I'm so damn tired of hearing that, not my fault my parents were home birthers," and then you're like "Is this why I spent three years at the Le Cordon Blue — so I could circumcise myself like a sopressata?" and you do it, and then your prospect's like "By cut I meant fit — muscles." And you're like, "Well, at least I still got my lucky red socks."
When you wake up, and you realize your hometown of Clarksville, Arkansas will never undergo gentrification, and you just refinanced the second mortgage, and also the local government just got annihilated by the dragon.
When you're on your way to Brynhildr's 30th and you forgot to get her a present, so you ask your friend St. Jerome if you can go halfsies with him on the doves that he collected from the Black Forest using an ingenious new hunting technique and understandably he doesn't want to share, but he's a pushover so ultimately he relents but doesn't speak to you for the rest of your night and even "mixes" up your drinks when you asked for mead instead of ale, and then your friend Katherine of Aragon is like, "Brynhildr is totes gonna love this bedpost."
When your boss is like, "We're going to need you to submit to a drug test," and you're like, "OK just give me a second to deplete my bladder — been having a rough time with the opioids lately after the castration, just needed something to cut the pain, but it's a slippery slope from opioids to pig heroin, but I got a good dealer, he's a blacksmith and wizard (for real a wizard) and knows his stuff, so like, just give me a second to pee on your floor here. And good."
When your realtor is showing you houses in an up-and-coming neighborhood, and is like, "Really the only drawback is the current residents can't physically leave. Other than that, the human roof is up to code, and there's plenty of land."
When bae is like, "Did you hang up the coat of arms like I told you a thousand times," and you're like, "Why do I need to hang it up if I'm always taking it down and putting it back up again for jousts? It doesn't make logical sense," and bae retorts like, "My ass it doesn't make logical sense, who do you think you are, Thomas Aquianas?" And you're like, "Nah, bae, I'm not even a Scholastic," and bae's like, "I'll show you" and then she drives a nail through your head.
When your mate just signed a lease to a bomb new apartment, and the crew is flipping because they know that they'll be over there all day every day par-ty-ing and then eventually they're going to skin the lease holder alive, and wear it so they can transfer ownership of the apartment in perpetuity.
When you be trying to clean the dungeon after an inquisition and the damn vacuum cleaner keeps giving you the runaround, and you're like, "OK, it's time for a Dyson." And you buy a Dyson even though they're so expensive because you know that you flush because you just plundered so much gold after murdering all those innocent people in the inquisition.
When you try that new product advertising volumizing qualities, but the only pharmacist you know is an alchemist and sorcerer, and the unction he cooked up for you totally made bugs grow out of your scalp. And you didn't take the receipt, so basically you're SOL.
When peeps be trying to heap accolades on you like, "You're so fancy, you so righteous, you're our salvation, etc." but you got false modesty and are all like, "Watch it, I got intimacy issues, hence this thorny crown, so don't tread too close," and you know that everything stems from your daddy abandonment issues, but you think your therapist is hitting on you, so there goes that.
That one time you got your face stuck in a triangle and you swore you'd never do it again, but then Timotheus your buddy from the Crusades visited and he brought back some strong snuff from Arabia, and you lost your cool and totally got your face stuck in a triangle again.
When you're at a party and you pick up some potpourri thinking it's hors d'oeuvres but it's really wax but since you already picked it up you go to town on it because it's the plague and maybe it'll cure your buboes, but it doesn't and you die of plague anyway.