Things Donald Trump Probably Keeps in His Hair

It's big. It's moppy. It's attached to Donald Trump's head!

I think we can all agree that Donald Trump is probably storing stuff inside his hair. Why else would he keep it that style for so long? It may not be good looking, but it sure comes in handy. Here's what I assume Donald Trump is keeping inside that golden, glorious clump.

1. Snacks

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Peanut butter crackers are perfect because they're not too light, not too filling. Good thinking, Donnie. (Can I call you Donnie? Are we there?)

2. An Extra Pair of Sunglasses

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Because what if Trump loses his first pair of sunglasses? Plus, Wayfarers are flattering on almost any face shape. He really thought this through.

3. Kombucha

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Kombucha is fermented. Just like Trump's tan!

It's cool, guys. Trump and I are close. He lets me call him Donnie. 

4. A Sudoku Book

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Sudoku: Making puzzles great again. Wow, I am on fire!

5. A Thumb Drive

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Wait. Wait! Hold the phone. Is that a thumb drive shaped like an actual thumb? LOLOLOLOLOL, FUNNY AND PRACTICAL. GOOD ONE, TRUMP!

6. An Earthquake Kit

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'Atta boy, Donnie. You can never be too safe. 

7. A Jar of Nutella

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Well, it was a jar of Nutella! LOL! It's nice to treat yourself sometimes. 

8. A Moleskine Notebook

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You never know when a good idea is going to strike. Why keep your notebook in your pocket when you can keep it with your dead skin cells? Donnie knows what I'm talking about.

9. A Map to the Oracle of Glendamalan

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How do you balance running a presidential campaign with unearthing the secrets of an unconfirmed ancient civilization?

10. The Locket That His Birth Mother Gave Him

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He has one half. She has the other. In the meantime, he'll keep on singing songs about optimism.

Wait. Did I get Donald Trump mixed up with Little Orphan Annie again? Sorry, Donnie! My bad.

11. His Childhood Blankie

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Don't judge! I won't, at least. Me and Donnie are besties, remember?