If you've ever waited tables, you've probably heard some things said by customers when they momentarily forgot they were out in public. In this particular thread on Reddit, waiters were asked to share some of the weirdest stuff they overheard from customers. Here are some of our favorites.
SudaneseWarlord said, "I overheard a man and his high class prostitute he had flown In, talk about terms and conditions as well as ordinary things. Apparently It was the first time he'd done It and he was nervous his wife would somehow find out. They discussed do's and dont's...But in all honesty the bloke seemed like a shy guy, didn't look bad, and the hooker was exemplary In the way she treated him. And the money she earned was more than my monthly salary."
But probably for most people, they'd still prefer waiting table to this other job.
McKeddie said, "A kid comes running from an perpendicular hallway and runs face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says, 'Buddy, you just can't go running into walls.' I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes."
Eventually, every kid needs to learn that wall are made out of solid material.
Ame-foto said, "I overheard a guy on a date...trying to impress the girl by saying that he loved swing dancing, and that maybe they should check out that 'Swinging Richardsf' place sometime. Their waitress was in earshot and quickly explained to him that Swinging Richards was not that kind of dance club."
If you're not sure what kind of club it really is, just think of what are some of the common nicknames for "Richard."
Did_it_right said that, while waiting tables, "In walks a clown (who)...He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner."
And we can only imagine the car ride home was completely delightful and free from tension.
Zapatodulce said, "We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker's section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.
One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him 'ooooh, you're in trouble. I'm going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.'
Woman said 'Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the f*** has he been coming here with?' Dead awkward silence."
But if you're that old, you should know better than to take your wife to the same restaurant where you take your mistress. No good could possibly come from that.
Somedude456 said, "Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter. As I walk up he says, 'It's too tight, I can't get it in...(smiles and elbows his wife)...sure haven't said that in a while.' She turned bright red, said his name in that 'you're in trouble' tone and gave him a much harder elbow."
There are still few things funnier than old people being inappropriately raunchy.
Captaincous said, "Had a guy confess to banging his SO's sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene."
Turns out that when you betray someone, they forget they're out in public. Lesson learned!
Mozzahella said, "A group of 3 or 4 ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, etc.. and calls her repeatedly. He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn't leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally he bought her a drink as an apology."
In reality, the best way to apologize to someone for stalking them is probably by no longer stalking them.
Ninja_at_law told Reddit, "One woman at a table of 6 lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed Viagra. 'He took it like a vitamin - 1 pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn't understand why.'"
Looks like coffee isn't the only thing you can take to get perked up at work.
presciiient said, "This tween boy was for some reason talking about whale vaginas in frightening detail. His older brother told him to 'stop being a little immature s***.' The younger brother responded with 'I thought you liked whale vaginas, isn't that why you're still dating Evelyn?' I...lost it and quickly shuffled back to the kitchen before exploding with laughter."
It's a mean joke, but you have to give the boy credit for doing his research.