If there’s any group of people who we can trust in our modern political climate, it’s psychics. Scientists, economists, journalists, they all get things wrong. But psychics? They’re not political hacks. Psychics are legit. Unfortunately, they, like everyone else, think the world is going to garbage, so we’re still screwed.
American psychics aren’t the best. We all know this. They’re too distracted by all the cheeseburgers and American flags. But European psychics, they’re top-notch. They eat Marmite and drink beer by the pint, which helps with extra-normal intuition. Craig Hamilton-Parker is one such European.
Craig Hamilton-Parker is well-known in his British home country and has successfully predicted Donald Trump’s election, Brexit, and the terrorist attack in Nice (although I couldn’t find the specific references/dates for these predictions). I won't say anything about that being moderately sketchy. Recently Hamilton-Parker created a blog post and corresponding YouTube video with his 2018 predictions.
I guess blogs are news now, because many media organizations covered Hamilton-Parker’s new predictions. His hour-plus long YouTube video, which details his predictions in length, has almost 300,000 views and over 1,000 likes.
The headline predictions from Hamilton-Parker’s new blog post include the overthrow of Kim Jong-Un’s regime, the decline of the world economy, and a terrorist attack on a British motorway. And if that wasn't enough, there's also predictions of a chemical-weapon drone strikes on a European city. Bummer!
Oh yeah. There’s a lot more. Here’s the link to Hamilton-Parker’s website if you want the full details about his business or if you want a psychic reading over the phone, a service he advertises heavily, which is weird because you’d think he’d be able to speak to you telepathically or via a plant or something. Otherwise, let’s dive into some of Craig Hamilton-Parker’s specific predictions for 2018 and make bad jokes about the coming downfall of humanity.
I don’t know much about colonies of rare birds, but I do know that flamingos are cool to look at when I go to the zoo, so I hope that flamingos aren’t the victim here. All the other birds in the entire world are fair game, as far as I’m concerned. Screw them all. Why should they be able to fly and not me? Arrogant jerks.
This prediction does not sound fun. If you believe in psychics, you should probably invest in tissues, Dayquil, and Netflix, because their stocks are about to go through the roof. You should probably invest in Dayquil either way because that stuff is awesome. Hamilton-Parker says this flu pandemic will be the result of biological warfare from a terrorist organization, however, so if you do buy Dayquil, then make sure it’s extra strength.
Well yeah. Obviously. Our missile defense systems are freaking cool, the best in the biz. Just ask Israel. Actually, ask Palestine. It makes sense that Japan would want some American-military defensive power because bombs and guns are cool and stuff and also North Korea is led by an insane dictator with a funny haircut.
Hamilton-Parker says this crash will affect the world economy, as you’d expect, but he believes that America will recover and benefit from new investment opportunities. There isn’t much that’s amusing about the Euro crashing. Besides, of course, British people in general, who are just funny. Lol.
Nooo! Not my precious brands! If nothing else, this event will cause the downfall of America. Massive environmental disaster? No biggie. Bloody Civil War? It’ll be good. Take our brands away from us? Screw this country, everyone riot.
Obviously, didn’t you hear that Cards Against Humanity bought land on the border to ruin Trump’s plan? There’s no way the wall will succeed anymore. Plus, murderous drones and invasive surveillance is so much more American than a silly wall. #freedom
Hamilton-Parker predicted that a U.S. warship will sink either at the hands of a terrorist organization or due to a hidden mine. Personally, I believe the cause will be whales. We can’t just keep killing whales forever without them getting pissed. Buy harpoons everyone. World War III: Whales Attack.
HOLY CRAP I HOPE THIS IS TRUE. Hamilton-Parker says that the Trump grandchildren will release a song to help raise funds for a charitable cause. Trump’s actual children better feature on the track. The only thing better than a forthcoming EP featuring Eric and Donald Trump Jr. is the Skrillex remix that would undoubtedly follow. Wub-wub.