Canned Pumpkin Canned Pumpkin sales spike in October every year, because that's when every suburban mom with a 13.1 sticker on the back of her crossover decides this will be the year that she makes some "real" pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, no one born after the depression ended has ever actually used canned pumpkin to make pumpkin pie, because women in 1935 didn't have jobs or even yoga classes. On the flip side, store made pumpkin pie is always a Kroger's away and you can fake it as the real thing by chucking it into the oven for a few minutes and throwing a towel over it as it cools. It doesn't matter, kids hate pumpkin pie and the only people that eat it haven't tasted anything for the past three presidents.
How You Can Lessen The Guilt Of Donating Such Garbage: Canned Pumpkin is high in Vitamin A, plus some veterinarians recommend it as a cure for pets with diarrhea. It's pretty much medicine!
Three Boxes Of Off Brand Stuffing Continuing with the left over thanksgiving food theme, everyone always seems to have left over stuffing they're more than willing to give to the needy. I'm not exactly a food historian, or "Fistorian," but I'm pretty certain that stuffing was accidentally invented during the first Thanksgiving when the Breadsmith's house flooded and he still had to bring something to table. Now what does that say about you, food giver, that you're gonna donate something most of us can only stomach once a year?
How You Can Lessen The Guilt Of Donating Such Garbage: Stuffing is very filling, and if the recipient isn't a fan of the flavor it can also be used as Play-Dough.
Something Goya Every white person in America has one can of Goya something in the back of the cabinet. Generally, it's because dad has high cholesterol and needed to make the switch from a North American diet (Bread, Cheese, Waffle Fries) to a healthier one (one that doesn't include the words "mechanically separated" in the ingredients). Unfortunately, it's a hard diet to stick to- it's damn near impossible to make a Jibarito in the office microwave and Taco Bell is like five minutes away. It may not be as healthy, but whatever's in the $6 box still ends with "-ito" so it's gotta be close to the same damn thing.
How You Can Lessen The Guilt Of Donating Such Garbage: I have never seen a can of Goya that wasn't some sort of bean. Beans are the NPR of the food world- really bland, but full of important stuff (I've heard).
Canned Salmon There are two kinds of canned Salmon- Red and Pink. Red Salmon is prized for it's deep, rich flavor and comes without bones or scales. For those of us that didn't graduate from college, Pink Salmon comes out of the can looking like an H. R. Geiger creation that will reward you for freeing it from it's cylindrical hell by only eating half of your face. Most people try Pink Salmon exactly once before they decide they're not big on picking vertebrae out of their dinner and the remaining cans are banished to the back of the pantry, where they'll collect enough dust to need a full sink washing to avoid embarrassment during donation.
How You Can Lessen The Guilt Of Donating Such Garbage: Salmon is a superfood. You shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel like a nancy.
Rice-A-Roni is a terrible product with a terrible name. If you're going to go through the trouble of donating something, at least donate something of substance that doesn't sound like the punchline to the worst dad joke ever. French Cut Green Beans may be confusing (spoon? fork? hands?) but at least they have nutritional value. Rice with some spices mixed in is bullshit, and you should take a long hard look at the person you've become.
How You Can Lessen The Guilt Of Donating Such Garbage: You can't. You are literally Hitler, and may God have mercy on your soul.