Alright, Sega. We see what you were going for here. Sort of. Maybe. We guess we get it. But we really need to ask just one particularly pressing question. And that question is: for the love of God, why?
For one week just follow this simple beauty method so all the men that are asking if you're pretty instead of clever will fall for you. That's totally what we want. Who cares about personality? Doesn't matter at all. That's what we thought too, Palmolive. It's "more practical than personality."
We think it's an ad for ties. Because we all know that when our man is wearing an especially zany tie (What is even on that tie? It looks like CDs but that can't be right.) we give it all up and say it's a man's world. And of course serve breakfast in bed on our knees. Naturally, right?
"Indoors, women are useful. Even pleasant. On the mountain they are something of a drag." Wait, please. Please tell us this is a joke. It's a joke, right? Men are better than women! We'll pay someone twenty dollars to tell us this is a joke.
Wait a minute, guys. You didn't specify which one of them didn't want the new Van Heusen styles. Is it the guy on the bottom right? He looks a little shifty, after all. You know what we want from Van Heusen? To run as fast as we can in the opposite direction.
"This young man is 11 months old. And he isn't our youngest customer by any means." Okay, so you're telling me you're feeding soda to fetuses? " 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it." Perfect. Time to stop taking our multi-vitamins and just switch to 7-Up.
We're getting mixed messages here. We're not exactly sure what we thought about innocence before, but it wasn't anything along the lines of this. Raise your hand if you're really confused and never want to wear perfume again.
First of all, their copy editing needs some work. We had to read that headline about three times to figure out what they were trying to say. And now that we think we know, hand us the trash can so we can barf. Wait, stop. Save yourself and don't read the rest of the article.
You know, a mindsticker. Like a person that sticks in your mind, right? This ad for Tab soda is letting us know that the only way to keep a man thinking about you is to have the perfect shape. And you can achieve that by drinking their soda. Makes total sense.
Every woman has to beware of unprofessional advice and learn the facts, according to this newspaper ad. Because they were just so unsure of those facts before. The advice from Lysol? Use it as a douche. Sounds like a perfectly acceptable and not terrible fact.
This is also a Lysol ad. So let the meaning of that in relation to the suggested " use" for Lysol as douches sink in a for a second. Got that? Excellent. Now think about all the doubt, inhibitions and ignorance that are going to happen when you're locked out from Dave. Can't have that happening.
Okay, maybe. Maybe she'll be happier with a Hoover if she wrote it on her Christmas list and really, actually wanted a vacuum for the holidays. But is it possible women might not want something that helps them clean the house? Does she get Lysol, too?
Don't let him find out you're not "store testing" your coffee. Don't take your chances on getting flat, stale coffee. He'll be onto you. And you know what happens when your coffee's not good. This, obviously. Apparently this is the only acceptable outcome.
Thanks, Santa! Merry Christmas to you, too. We knew there had to be some secret to how you delivered all those presents to all those kids in just one night. Now we know. Santa's a chainsmoker, and he wants you to be, too.