I don’t understand why it’s a universal thing that every single grandma loves Werther’s Original or this type of candy right here. I’ve never seen these things in any type of packaging or a store. They just seem to live in the bottom of every grandma's purse. 

This is the best cat novelty item I’ve ever seen in my life (trust me, I’ve got plenty of kitty chachkies). This is a real fridge magnet. It’s a bit pricey, but certainly worth it to scare the crap out of people.

After a burrito I would say that my farts were a ristretto. But I don’t see the option for “messy and pungent” for when it turns into a shart. That should be on there, maybe under “gross burnt diner coffee.”

True. But on days off most people like to go out and spend money, which you can’t do if you’re unemployed. So you end up staying at home, wallowing in your poverty.

When I worked as a teacher’s assistant in college, “furthermore” was one of the most loathsome words students would use to sound smart. The other words were “hence,” “indeed” and the occasional “per se.”

I think the female version of cargo pants might be capris. In that case, the quote would be, “Don’t worry about the flood. You just worry about being alone forever.”

Whenever I see people with tattoos in Chinese, I really and truly hope they got a trusted native Chinese speaker to verify what it actually says. More often than not, you’re probably getting thoroughly screwed.

I’ve already got distracted writing this list about 15 times. I had to pluck a chin hair, then I had to Google “why does my cat meow at night?,” take a quiz on “Can You Recognize These Movies From One Still?” (100%), and then looked at my fridge for 20 minutes to decide whether I’m hungry or not.

Kids these days have it too good. When I was three, I was waiting in breadlines in Soviet Russia and playing with a potato.  No, not Mr. Potato Head ... I mean an actual potato.

I don’t know if they do this in every movie theater now because of domestic terrorism, but in New York City, they like to check your bag before you enter the theater. Last time I went to the movies, I was paranoid af because I didn’t realize they would be checking and my friend and I shoved a bottle of wine into my big bag. He glanced briefly inside, said nothing and let us through.

You know why? They’re not looking for wine, they’re looking for guns.

I am so happy I found this meme, because it is so unbelievably true. The shower is my time to reflect on everything I should have done or said differently dating back to when I was in middle school. It is also my time to plan my future arguments and how “cool” I’ll act if that f**k boy texts me again.

Deep down, I know I won’t be cool. But in the shower…anything is possible.

What’s seven years of bad luck when you can have a lifetime of disappointment, anxiety, stress and resentment?

P.S. I didn’t know breaking olive oil was bad luck. Did you?

I’m usually the last one to leave the party. My motto is “Go big and don’t go home,” so I usually see parties through till their messy, vomit-covered end.

Or in case of bars, I’ll stay till they close and lock you in. If they let you smoke inside…you know you’ve found a good one.