Women present themselves as beautiful creatures who never do anything gross ever. But it's all a rouse. In order to get beautiful, you're going to have to do some pretty nasty stuff. You can't go up without going down first. If anyone lives in a bubble that women are perfect and only smell like flowers, that bubble bursts now. We do some pretty nasty stuff when we're alone. Stuff you don't want to know, but we're going to tell you about anyways.
Once a month, we recreate the shower scene from Psycho, except nobody gets stabbed. Women are generally clean creatures, but that's probably because we're over compensating for the fact that every 28 to 40 days we uncontrollably gush out blood. And that that blood gets all over the place no matter how clean and tidy we try to be.
Not every woman has stared deep into her soul, questioning existence. But every single woman has stared deep into her pores, questioning what's in there. Why are they so big? How do they get so dirty? These are the real questions that a woman needs answers to.
4. Pull Some Crazy Gymnastics While Shaving Our Legs
Olympic gymnasts have nothing on a woman who's trying to remove the hair from the back of her knee. We contort our bodies in the shower all in the name of beauty. It's honestly a miracle that there aren't more shower accidents caused by a woman shaving her legs.
Shower water: it's not just for showers anymore! At some point in the shower, you're going to realize that your towel/razor/$65 hair mask isn't in the shower with you. And then you'll leave the comforts of your nice, warm shower to retrieve it, leaving your bathroom wetter than Raging Waters in July.
How does something that makes our hair feel so soft make our eyes feel like it's burning out of our sockets? The moment when our shampoo suds meets our eyes is the moment that we freak out if we'll ever be able to see again... Until we quickly rinse our eyes with water and realize it's all going to be okay. But those two seconds when shampoo was in our eyes? Those were ugly.
Once you hit a certain age, your start growing a lady 'stache. Nobody talks about it. Everyone does it. And then you have to tweeze it, because you don't want to walk around looking like you're a circus freak.
Honestly, tampons are probably the least grossest thing women have used for menstruation. Our ancestresses had to bleed into rags and weird contraptions with belts. But that said, having to change your tampon is still pretty gross. No part of your period is not disgusting.
All you need is one good excuse to skip leg shaving day, and you'll do it. Planning on wearing pants? Skip it! Not going to see your boyfriend? Skip it! Pretty soon you're looking like Sasquatch. But that's okay! It's winter! Skip it!
When eye makeup is fresh, it makes us look like the beautiful creatures that we are. When eye makeup is day old, it makes us look like weird monsters. So we pick at the clumps our mascara has morphed into, or try to dig out the mass of eyeliner that has migrated into our inner eyes.
11. Washing Our Bangs But Not The Rest Of Our Hair
Women hate washing their hair. Whoever invented dry shampoo should get a prize for their contributions to humanity. Guaranteed every woman at some point in her life has done the ultimate psych out where you wash just your bangs but not your hair to trick everyone into thinking your hair is fresh and clean. It's not. It's a all a dirty, dirty lie!
Dermatologists say that you should never pop a pimple. But some rules were made to be broken! You tell yourself your not going to do it. You can't do it. But then it's just sitting there. Round. Ready to burst. You can't help yourself... The call of the zit is just too strong.
While the woman advertising Biore pore strips looks so fresh and clean, the reality of pore strips are anything but. 15 minutes after application, we're pulling off a white strip that is now grey with all the gunk that was living in our skin. It's gross that we had all that in our pores. It's even grosser that we feel the need to examine it. Everyone does it. Everyone.
Every now and then, we're too lazy to take off our makeup before we fall asleep. Then we're too lazy to take it off when we wake up. So we just build upon the foundation of makeup that's already there by putting on more makeup over it. Honestly, this happens more often than not. Any women at any given moment still has on mascara from a week before. Guaranteed.
Sorry to break it to you, but girls poop. Also Santa isn't real. There is no tooth fairy. We don't live in a world with magic. Just kidding! Girls don't poop and we don't even know what that is. Is that even an English word?