The only way you're going to get through this tangled mess is if you're Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible. You've got to have some serious cat-like reflexes to navigate the lasers... Oh, they're not actually lasers? Never mind!
"And that is how I found out that I was, indeed, adopted. My sibling had taken our deepest family secret and turned it into the Wi-Fi password. But also, nobody was able to hack into our Wi-Fi, so silver lining?"