Christmas is its own category of stress, what with gift giving, work parties and forced family time; but an oft overlooked source of anxiety arrives in your mailbox during the holiday season. Yes, Christmas Cards. The cute photo-filled envelopes that are meant to send love but really only sends inter-familial competition. Though you try to be competitive, let's face it, your life SUCKS. You have very little, if anything, going for you. And you can't have another boring card or your cousin Candice, with her cool job and cute babies, will win! But not to worry, here are a few tricks to save face and deceive your Christmas Card readers into thinking you're living a successful and fulfilling life.
Before you get into the nitty gritty of writing the message within your Christmas card, focus on the card itself. Picking something fun and bright gives your reader a joyful first impression, making the lies you're about to tell them about your "great" life more palatable. It also tells them you have enough money to buy multiple fancy cards. I recommend sending out cards with lots of glitter on them. Not only do they reflect the light creating a brighter reading area, they also can be very messy, distracting your reader from what you've written inside the card.
Finding a picture of you smiling might be difficult since your life has been so hard you've forgotten how to smile. However, this is VERY important. Sending a picture of you frowning will only contradict the lies you tell later. If you do not have a picture of you smiling, go ahead and take one for the card. Remember, smiling is just opening your mouth to show your teeth.
Now onto the actual letter. This is important as the letter contains all the competitive bragging that your friends and family will be comparing themselves too. Given that your life is so pathetic, I recommend using a really hard to read font like Wingdings to make sure that they cannot comprehend how sad your life is — not that they would anyway, your life is pathetic beyond comprehension.
It's common knowledge that no one can lead a fulfilling life without a significant other, and obviously you don't have one. That's why, for the purpose of your Christmas Card, make one up! Have fun with this. Give him or her a name and an interesting occupation. Don't make them too attractive though, or your family will know you're lying. They know you could never snag a super hottie, so stay within the range of what you could realistically attract.
We all know Candice has the perfect family. Her card will likely be filled with her children's achievements like how her child is walking or just babbled their first word, which, let's be honest, is not that impressive. You can never out-mom a mom, so the best way to show Candice that you're better than her is to show her all the adventures you're having — or pretending to have. New parents don't often get time to themselves let alone time to vacay so really shove it in her stupid face how much you're enjoying your youth and she's wasting hers. This is a perfect time to practice that smile that you just re-learned.
Now, this may seem a little unrealistic, especially since you live 5,000 plus miles from Wall Street where I'm told hedge funders live, but as long as you're going to lie, you might as well go big. According to the values set out by society "money = happiness". And if that's true, if you were a hedge fund manager then you'd be MEGA happy. Candice is going to think her dinky little promotion is so lame when she finds out how much money YOU handle on a daily basis. (That's what hedge fund managers do, right?)