Those free range, grass fed organic coffee beans you're roasting yourself are barely getting you through that 9am marketing meeting. To hell with that hipster garbage, support the local economy and grab yourself a steaming cup of meth. 16 straight hours of pure energy and zero calories. Starbucks coffee milkshakes can't touch that.
There's quite a few benefits to pushing that shower knob into the bluer territory. Putting some time between waking up and that first cup is a great start to beating that caffeine monkey you're carrying around. There's no better way to jumpstart your morning than JESUS CHRIST IT'S LIKE I'M RE-LIVING THE END OF TITANIC EVERY INCH OF MY SKIN IS SCREAMING
Stained teeth, bad breath, a solid case of the shakes...do you really want to start every day like pre-rehab Van Halen? Skip that Panama brown and order a chai tea instead. Yes, it may be tepid swamp water with less than a third of the sweet caffeine coffee brings to the party, but at least it sounds exotic enough to start a conversation with that cougar that pumps your gas.
4. Surround Yourself With People Who Also Don't Drink Coffee
The Islamic religion forbids indulging in any intoxicants. For a much purer, stimulant free life, consider joining a group that won't allow its members to be low ball speeding for half the day. ISIS is an up and coming popular choice that's been making headlines lately. Trade that coffee buzz for the natural energy that comes with running from artillery and aerial assaults!
Look, this is America. This is a land of winners. Tired people don't win. Have you seen Wolf Of Wall Street? That guy was running the world on nothing but narcotics and sin. If sucking down a pot and a half of that sweet brown gets the job done, consider yourself a true patriot. As pioneering patriot George Washington once said, "It takes more than some good thoughts to build a mufuckin' country. Gyeah."