All your friends that have normal jobs can't wait for the weekend to come. Weekends for you means long hours, bitchy customers and working brunch. Have you ever worked brunch? I recommend that you go to brunch instead.
When you work a lunch rush, it's all a blur, really. Did I really tell you that I was going to find where you live and kill your entire family? Yea, I don't remember that. Can you please pass me a towel, I need to go wipe off a table. Thank you so much.
You are on top of all your tables. One of your tables is ready to go and you have five other tables that you are keeping an eye on. You go to drop the check and there are no pens. None. Where are the pens? You ask a manager and a hostess. You even beg the kitchen for one. No one will give you a pen. Who is in charge here? Who do I have to sleep with to get more pens up in this place?
Honey, can we sit at the only table that has been used all day? You know, the dirty one that needs to be reset? Thank you. We will also make sure to huff and puff and roll our eyes while we wait for it to be ready.
If you've ever worked in a restaurant than you know to never camp. There is a special place in hell for campers. Stay as long as you want, but pay your bill and close out if you are going to sit there all night. I have plans and I'm not going to miss them so you can sit there and slip on your warm and watered down iced tea.
How can you be a restaurant that never has any forks? Or a brunch spot with no coffee cups? How about a fine dining restaurant with no wine glasses? Is this some sort of sick joke? I should not have to run back to the kitchen to wash forks so my table can eat their steak.
"Hi! My name is Lindsey and before you order, please raise you hand if you want your own check? 17 of you? Great. Now you have this entire meal to download Venmo. I'm going to assign you sir as the one in charge. Everyone needs to send this guy money and he is going to be the one who pays me. I will take one check and one check only. Namaste."
If you have ever waited tables, then you know all about work nightmares. Dreaming about spilling red wine on a diners white dress. Forgetting to bring ranch dressing to table six. When you bring work home with you, you know it's time to quit. IT'S RANCH DRESSING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. No one is saving lives here.
Nope. You will sit where the hostess told you to sit. You are lucky that she even sat you at all. Usually she just texts and flirts with the cooks in the kitchen. Consider yourself lucky that you even got this far.
It's 2017. If you aren't tipping 20 percent, then you have some serious bad karma coming your way. I don't care if the service was bad, you still tip 20 percent. If the service was great, tip 20 percent or more. If you never got service, still 20 percent. And if you have never worked in a restaurant, then you need to tip 25 to 30 percent, because chances are, you are very annoying to wait on. Don't be a dick.
You want to make money, but can we space it out a little? Hey hostess? Come here. I want you to wait tables for one day and I'll seat you. Then you will understand why taking turns with the other servers is so important. One day and let's see if you ever double seat me again.
That panic you feel when you realize that you forgot to ring something in. Your face gets red and you start to sweat. You feel a panic attack about to start and you beg the kitchen for help. This is why you befriend the kitchen from day one. You are bound to need them someday. Oh, let's be honest. More like every other day.
And at least every other shift, you have that table that complains about everything. They have learned in their complaining careers that if they act rude enough and put up enough of a fight, they will get what they want. You used to care but now you just make your manager deal with them. Ain't nobody got time for that!