Angelina Jolie is a famous actress, which means that her life is perfect. Or at least, that's what I thought, until I learned that, at one point in her life, Jolie wasn't happy. In fact, she was sad, which is the opposite of happy, unless you like that sort of thing. Anyway, this article is about to get dark.
Look at this strong, independent woman. What a badass. She's like Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones lost his stupid hat and had better boobs. Indiana Jones has terrible boobs, but the Tomb Raider is the full package. And you know what? She still gets sad. And that's okay.
I assume that most kids these days see Angelina Jolie as a mother figure, being that she's known for having like eight kids and all. But Jolie used to be a fast-living, somewhat sadistic movie star, and back in those days, she went through a dark period of her life in which she seriously contemplated suicide.
Before Jolie married movie hunk Braddy P and the couple had 13 kids together, Jolie was married to two other men. Like, at different times. The first was an actor named Jonny Lee Miller, who starred in such movies as Trainspotting and Trainspotting 2: Ooh, More Trains! One of those movie titles is incorrect.
When Jolie married Miller, she wore a T-shirt that said his name on the back. Except, Jolie wrote Miller's name using her own blood. I repeat, to her first wedding, Angelina Jolie wore a shirt with her husband's name written in her own blood. Apparently she use a syringe to extract her handy-dandy body ink, so at least she was being responsible. Nowadays, Jolie has to be responsible since she has 23 kids.
Jolie actually loves blood. Before she had 48 kids, Angelina Jolie famously wore the blood of her second husband, Billy Bob Thornton, in a vial around her neck. I think the weirdest part about that fact is that her husband's name was Billy Bob. If you have someone's blood in a vial around your neck, his name should be something like Seth or Darth or at least Billy Bob the Slayer.
Jolie's obsession with blood began as a child via an obsession with mortuary science. Hey, parents! If your child dreams of being a funeral director, maybe examine your parenting style. Chances are that you messed up. Ask yourself, "Have I ever left my child alone in a room with a dead body?" If the answer is yes, then give your child away because you're doing a bad job.
In the era of Tomb Raider, when Jolie was in her more blood-centric, youthful days (before she had 79 kids), she had a knife collection. Knife collections are cool. Definitely 5th date material though. Don't whip those things out on night one. Especially if you have a vial of blood around your neck.
Anyway, when Angelina Jolie was a younger woman, she went through a dark period in her life, which can happen to anyone at any age. During this period, Jolie contemplated suicide. Ask yourself, what's the most awesome way to commit suicide? Whatever popped into your head, even if it was "sex on a chocolate roller coaster," Jolie has you beat. She spoke to a hitman about doing the deed for her in 2001. Of course, this all happened before she had 93.5 kids.
Jolie's rational for hiring a hitman was actually quite considerate. When someone commits suicide, oftentimes their family is left with an intense feeling of guilt, wondering what they could have done to help. By hiring a hitman, Jolie hoped to bypass the "family guilt" problem.
Look, I'm just a guy on the internet. But if you're hiring a hitman to kill you, then you'd better tell him to use a bazooka. You don't want your family to feel guilty, which is why you hired the hitman in the first place, but it's fine if your family is confused, right? I think so. All I'm saying is that a tombstone with the phrase "shot with a bazooka" is a winner.
If you're thinking about hiring a hitman to shoot you with a bazooka, please reconsider. Angelina Jolie reconsidered. When she spoke to her hired hitman, the mysterious murderer told her to think about the decision for a month (nicest hitman ever?), and the award-winning actress decided to back out. And now look at her; she has 152 kids!
Just curious, where exactly do you find a hitman? Craigslist? LinkedIn? Myspace? Asking for a friend. Or do you do it like they do in the movies and go down to some creepy looking docks? You know nothing good can ever come out of docks.
Look at this cute kitten. If you're feeling depressed, please go to a doctor. Medication and therapy are wonderful options, but they do require courage. Please look into it. You don't want to risking leaving a world with kittens this cute and people who care about you. Also, Angelina actually has six kids.