Did you ever get the impression that Jesus is a little full of himself? One of my favorite narcissistic Jesus jokes has to come from a David Cross standup. He explains how hard it must have been for people to try to get their furniture fixed by Jesus the carpenter back in the day. You bring in a table with a wobbly leg and ask him to fix it, but he just goes on and on about himself on how he is the light and the way. Yeah, but can you fix it though?
I always know it’s not going to be a good idea. Literally every single time I’m hit with a barrage of panic attacks. But, somehow when someone passes me the bong my mind conveniently forgets about all that, and then I sink into the deepest circle of hell.
Why is it that when someone tells you not to do something, you just need to do it that much more? It’s just like that song with the lyrics that go, “tempted to touch, tempted to touch.” I just can’t help myself.
Has there ever existed a vegan, in the history of veganism, that did not feel compelled to reveal to absolutely everyone that they were in fact … vegan? Like, yeah, we get it Becky, you’re a vegan. You’re also an insufferable b***h. Not that the two are related in any way.
This guy may have herpes all over his nose, but have we all forgotten about what happened to Michael Douglas. He said that Catherine Zeta Jones’ p***y gave him cancer! I feel bad for her vagina. It’s gotten such a bad rep.
If you don’t like mayonnaise, we can’t be friends. I just don’t get people who don’t like mayo on their burgers or sandwiches. It’s obviously the creamiest and most delicious condiment out there. I could swim in a vat of that stuff.
When you're hoping for a relaxing evening and then he pulls something like this. You know there's nothing good on Netflix anyway, so this was just bound to happen. But, this photo looks like she's still trying to keep an eye on the screen.
That’s why whenever you hand your phone over to your folks, you do that awkward hoovering fidgeting dance around them. You have to be ready to snatch it out of their hands before they see your collection of random d**k pics.
Sometimes I think wearing a head to toe burka wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Nobody would ever recognize you, and you can walk around in full confidence that you won’t have to interact with anyone. Unfortunately, that is something you can’t just throw on when you’re feeling anti-social. You’ve really got to commit to that one.
Drunk debates are just the most fun. There’s just something about alcohol that makes you feel that much more impassioned. Sometimes I’ll find myself arguing points that I don’t even believe in with the upmost conviction.
If I die suddenly in a freak accident, my best friend and I already have a pact that she takes my computer and deletes my search history before my parents get it. She is equally as filthy so all my strange perverted google searches won’t surprise her.
Well, if you go to hell for laughing at something inappropriate than hell has a serious overcrowding problem. With all the atrocities in the world, it’s really god who has the darkest and most inappropriate humor of all.
What art history meme list would be complete without the “y tho” kid? Y tho kid is pretty much how I feel going through life every single day. I just don’t get why people do the things they do. Mainly I don’t get why men don’t text me back after I send them 40 texts in a row. So rude.