"I told you we shouldn't have gotten a house sitting on a portal to another dimension! Stuff keeps on disappearing and reappearing. It's confusing!"
There's nothing sexier than a man who cleans up after himself. Literally nothing else. Not even actual sex is sexier.
Airplanes don't run on gas. They run on people saying, "Have a safe flight!" If you don't say that every time someone gets on a plane, the plane would literally fall out of the sky.
"How are babies made?"
"When a man and a woman love each other, the man wakes the woman up at 2 in the morning. That's how you came into this world!"
"Do you take Amy for better or for worse. To have and to hold and to explain the entire series of Lost?"
Your wife loves you. Your dog loves you. There's a difference.
At least Alexa has an excuse for not putting down the toilet seat. Although, if your Alexa is using the toilet, you have to start asking questions...
"So I see that you've listed 'breakdancing' under your special skills? A lot of people pad their resumes to make them more impressive. Prove to me that you're not lying."
But when will science invent the technology for us to be able to shoot lasers out of our eyes? Can you even imagine how much easier our lives would be? Get on it, Science!
Sometimes your husband loves you so much, he wants to be you. Take it as a compliment. Because you really don't want to think about it as anything else.
The number one thing that couples argue over is money. The number two thing that couples argue over is how much gold they're using as toilet paper. Sad, huh?
You have to let your baby know his shortcomings. Otherwise he won't know what they are. He doesn't know anything at that age.
When you're married, you can't sweat the small stuff. But if someone uses your essential oils? Call the divorce lawyer.
When you're trying to get your kid to win the Prince look-a-like contest, you have to go all out. There's no such thing as too much purple. It's about commitment!
Thanks, Nicholas Sparks, for perpetuating the myth that women want their clothes destroyed in a fit of passion. Do you know how much blouses cost?? That's why the budget of movies are so high!