"What, I was supposed to spend my whole life behind that fence? I made a friend on the other side. Let me visit them once in a while!"
"Hey, whatcha doing in here? What? Why am I out of breath? No reason. Say, is that BBQ flavored?"
It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Of course, you'll need to swallow first before you can beg. Then, maybe if you beg on command, you can get even more food.
"Who does that poodle think he is? Dumb-looking dog if you ask me. At least Master knows that I'm the only good boy around."
"How could he? He left for what I thought was going to be forever. Then he comes home and I find out the reason he left was to play with someone else? At least I'm still his only good boy."
"Okay, that's it. If you think they're a good boy, then I'm going to be a bad boy. Hope you weren't expecting to get the deposit back on this apartment, sucker."
"It's okay, buddy. We all make mistakes. You're still a good boy."
[Tail wags so fast the naked eye can't see it.]
"Don't judge me, dog. Yeah, maybe I threw up a few times. But at least I didn't try to eat it."
"I don't think I can ever forgive you for this."
[Hands him a slice of cheese.]
"...What were we fighting about, again?"
[Points to temple with paw.]
They'll stop calling you paranoid the second you're right. Can't argue with that logic.
"What's wrong with him? Doesn't he know they're up to something? Why else would they be storing all those nuts? For winter? A Likely story."
This is always annoying, but also adorable. You could teach your dog to stop pulling on the leash. But where's the fun in that?
Poor dogs. They're always losing their balls.
Maybe I should reword that. It's very insensitive to dogs that have been fixed.
"You think you're cute. But guess what, human?"
[Leans in uncomfortably close.]
"(whispers) I'm onto you."
Yeah, this doesn't make much sense to the dog. And also yeah, he's not much of a Monopoly player. But when you like dogs more than humans, it doesn't matter.