Wow. Look at this little amur leopard pup: could it hate Friday any more? Why, little amur leopard pup, do you hate Fridays? Is it because your Uber driver forgot to stock her Toyota Corolla with enough waters for all your friends on the way to the club? Or is it because poachers are killing the last remaining 30 or 40 of you for your beautiful pelts, and that soon you will be extinct? Probably the latter.
Hey, black rhinos, don't look so downcast on a Friday — you should be excited that you get to watch another episode of NBC's Truth Be Told on your 50 inch plasma! Oh, are you worried that you and the roughly 5,000 left of your species will be decimated because your ivory horns are so desired? Don't be a buzz kill...
Baby leatherback turtle, we know you're too young to go out and get crunk with all your centenarian cousins at the local bowling alley, but you've got to turn that frown upside down. It's Friday, for crying out loud. Oh, unless you're concerned because yourspecies population has declined by about 70% in the past 35 years, andthat fishermen are accidentally killing you after catching you in their trawls? And that if this practice continues, you will go extinct? Well...YOLO!
Check your attitude at the door, Mr. Grumpy Sumatran Orangutan (if that's even your real name!). Just because the Groupon you thought you purchased for this Friday was actually for last Friday doesn't mean you have to spoil the mood for the rest of us. However, if you're actually upset that you may be the first of the Great Apes to go extinct because your habitats are prey to deforestation, well then, maybe you have a good reason. Maybe.
Don't give us that sidelong look, baby Asian Elephant, just because we're going to see Reese Witherspoon in her new movie Spectre on Friday and consume half our bodyweight in popcorn and Pepsi. We invited you! Or are you a little somber because poachers have pruned your species down so drastically that in-breeding is now one of the only ways your group can propagate and all subsequent gene pools will be horribly mutated? Is it that?
Um, excuse me, Black-footed Ferret, but with those kinds of dance moves you would dominate at your local discotheque, and probably get all your overpriced drinks bought for you. If only you'd quit hiding away in your hole and live your Friday to the fullest! Or maybe you just want to burrow so you can sulk on account of all the foreign disease that's plaguing both your species and your primary prey. Suit yourself.
Leave it to a Fin Whale to crash a human party and then get so wasted it passes out right on the beach. The nerve! Well, Fridays can really stink if you got a little too wasted the night before, right, Fin Whale? Let this be a lesson to the rest of the endangered Fin Whales being slaughtered every day for their meat: beer before liquor, and you've never been sicker.
Yeah, we get it, Galapagos Penguin: there are only 1,600 pairs of your folk left in the world. Would you either close your beak or at least use it for something a little more funsies, like karaoke or something? How about you try "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's Friday!
I know right off the bat you and I won't get along, because I like to eat sushi on Friday nights, and you probably know a few of the main courses personally. And I'm not even going to try to pronounce your name because considering overfishing has halved your species' population in the past 30 years alone, the likelihood of me running into you in the future is very slim. But just in case, I'm Seth.
Listen, adorable Red Panda: keep your negative feelings and admonishing tongue to yourself. If you don't enjoy yourself at my bro Jimmy Joe's place just because he happens to live in his parents' basement, that's your fault. Change your attitude. Fridays are for FRIENDS ONLY.
Then again, the fact that many of your species get caught in hunters traps intended to catch other animals is, like, not your fault at all. So, you have a point there. But still...
We've decided, Monarch Butterfly, that you need to chill out. We get it: Fridays are going out days, but can you please just stick to one bar instead of flitting to every one on the strip? We're in one place for like five seconds before you feel the urge to go pollinate somewhere else. Enough already. You're making us hate the weekends.
Why don't you put this enthusiastic energy into relocating to Mexico like you're supposed to, instead of staying in the colder northern regions where you die during the harsh winters? Oh, because climate change and its impact on weather patterns has screwed up your migratory patterns? Ahh...
Yeah, we get it, sometimes Mommy and Daddy Brown Bear can be a pain in the butt and ground you on a perfectly party-worthy Friday night. But knock off the infighting! If you work together, you should be able to find a way to sneak out through the back, and get to Jess McManus' rager just a few blocks away — there's a rumor that she likes one of you. You better take advantage now before human expansion encroaches on your terrain and ultimately squashes your existence completely!
If you don't wipe that grimace off your face right now, Cross River Gorilla, literally no one at the art gallery opening is going to want to talk to you. And it's not, as you misapprehend, because you don't wear a nose piercing like 50% of the crowd. It's got more to do with your constant grunting. We get that there are only 200 to 300 left of you guys in the wild, but we're tryingto enjoy this complimentary wine and cheese platter. Please!
Finally, a porpoise with a purpose! This animal's smiling and ready to go, so here we go! I said, here we go. Vaquita? Listen, the number one rule of going out on Friday nights is breathing: if you forget to do that, you can be sure your whole night will be ruined. Yeah, there will be fishermen who will attempt to harsh your mellow and slash your species by 80% over the next ten years, but you've got to soldier through!
Don't be so skeptical, Saola, I know the bouncer. Yes, you can wear your high heels — we won't be standing in line long (I just told you I know the bouncer). Oh, you're worried that you won't know anyone there? Well, you're probably right because as of now there are only about 70 — 700 left of your kind on the face of the earth. You have deforestation to thank for that. Now will you move your hoofs, because we've got a table.