You need to keep them contained, so what else are you going to do with them? Yes, you can buy one of those fancy plastic bag holders, but you know that you are not actually going to use it. So a plastic bag in a plastic bag in a plastic bag in a plastic bag is just the way your world goes round. 

The phone is ringing on the other end, and you keep saying, “Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up...” over and over again in your head. The pressure is on. Your palms are sweating, your heart is pounding and WHAM! You get sent to their voicemail. This phone call was a success! 

You are on the toilet and you hear someone coming towards your stall. You freeze. You put your hands over your exposed body to cover your junk. You panic! They knock and you don’t know what to say! Do you say, “I’m in here," “Someone is in here," “Occupied," “Occupado”?! Why is this so difficult?!

“Look at them! Dammit, look into their eyes. Not that hard, they will think that you’re creepy. That’s good, just like that. No, no, no! Don’t lose it. Go back to their eyes. Okay great. I’m engaging! Wait, what are they talking about again?”

You know what is in there, because you bought everything inside. You know that you have to go shopping desperately, but you still check to see if there is something in there that you forgot about. That somehow a delicious piece of cake or an ice cold beer magically appeared. Nope, nothing has changed. You better get your butt to Trader Joe's. 

So you have no food in the fridge, but do you have money in your account to go food shopping? You know the answer, but you check again anyway. And then again and again and again. Did some check go through that maybe you completely forgot about? Nope. Keep dreaming. 

You check the phone to see what time it is and then you check your Facebook. Then Instagram and Snapchat. You check your Bank Of America App and look at your texts and then you put the phone away. Wait, what time is it again? You better check your phone to see.

 And repeat. 

Shhh, I have to see something. Ha! You know that you can see and hear at the same time right? Good, that’s good. 

We all do it! We poop and then we go to flush and before we do, we make sure to sneak a little peak and inspect the situation. It’s okay, sometimes it’s good to know what is going on in there. And sometimes it’s best not to know! 

This is mostly for my ladies and my men with man buns out there. When you are washing your hair you take any hair that has fallen out and put it on your shower wall to take care of and throw away when you get out. It’s okay, we all do it! You're saving your pipes and your plumber will thank you. 

[Editor's note: That hair never gets thrown away. NEVER.]

You are in an exercise class or meet-up group and they tell you to find a partner.  Your heart starts to race! Why though? We talk to people every day. We all need to lighten up, dammit. 

You have a closet full of cute clothes but you can’t help wearing the same thing multiple times in one week. Sometimes you wear it every day. Hey, if it looks good on you, hold onto it for dear life. 

You are in a store and you see someone that you went to high school with. Here’s a tip, instead of looking the other way, look through them. It’ll look like you are lost in thought and they may actually believe that you didn’t see them. Then get out of there and fast!