It's 2017. It should be more of a surprise if he doesn't Facebook stalk you. Before you even had you first date, he knew all about your best friend Jenny and your trip to Paris, what college your ex-boyfriend Daniel attended, and what you looked like in first grade according to your #tbts. But he's not going to bring any of that up.
Boyfriend response: You want me to get to know you and this is the best way how. It's not stalking...it's research. Big difference. HUGE.
Nobody's perfect. Not even Chris Hemsworth. Your boyfriend has told some lies in the past - and probably even to you. It happens to the best of us. White lies. Black lies. Green and purple lies. He's told all sorts of lies during his life. Want to know what they are? Ask him about them!
Boyfriend response: We will tell you that we have lied, but we most certainly will not tell you what we have lied about. Nope. Not gonna happen. No one — male or female — should open up that bag of worms.
And FYI, Chris Hemsworth IS perfect, so you just lied...liar.
Your boyfriend tries to play it cool, but he probably got really nervous around you when you first started going out. And the first time you did it? He was more nervous than someone giving a speech to strangers while fully naked. Why? Because he like-likes you.
Boyfriend response: Who told you I was nervous? Was it my friend Chad? Don't listen to him. Chad's an idiot who will forever be alone. I wasn't nervous at all. I was...excited. Yes. that's it...excited.
Boys' bodies are mysterious. But in a gross way, like school cafeteria lunch meat. Science can tell us exactly why men pitch a tent in their sleep. But what was he thinking about when it happened? That's not something he's going to let you know.
Boyfriend response: I have no idea why I get wood sometimes. No guy knows. Penises have a mind of their own, and they are often smarter than us. Sorry, not sorry.
Your boyfriend is probably into some stuff that you don't know about. Why? Because you've never talked about it. That thing you've always wanted to try? He's probably into it too, it's just never come up.
Boyfriend response: Okay, there is NO WAY I am going to freely offer up my fantasies to you. Even if it's something we both want to try (oh please let it be something we both want to try), it has to come from you. You have to ask. If it comes from me, it's creepy. If it comes from you, it's sexy AF.
So what's the deal with his ex-girlfriend, Emily? Why did they break up? Is he still in love with her? Why does she keep on texting him? Why is this making you crazy? You're not going to know the answer to any of these questions until you ask. So ask away.
Boyfriend response: You don't want to know about Emily. She was nuts. You are so much better than Emily in every single possible way. That's what you really want to hear, right?
Guys are going to check out other girls. It's a fact of life, just like the sun rises in the east. Another woman might make your boyfriend's neck turn, even if he's in it to win it with you. But what is he thinking when he does it? Does he think she's more attractive than you? Is he going to run off and leave you for a random stranger in a parking lot? Ask him, Girl!
Boyfriend response: You know when you order at a restaurant but keep the menu to peruse in case there is another dish you might like? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
Your boyfriend might get mad at you, but you'll never know because he's not telling you. If you bring up the important topics, chances are, he'll be happy to talk about them, because it's something he wanted to say too. He just didn't have the words for it...cause he's a guy.
Boyfriend response: Oh, there is soooooooo much I am angry about. And 98.7 percent of the time it's not you. But am I going to tell you? NO. Why? Because it has be ingrained in men to not share our feelings. We have been brainwashed into channeling any emotion into anger and that's pretty much how it's going to stay.
You might think that your bright pink lip stick is chic AF. But your boyfriend might think it makes you look like a clown. He's not going to say that. Why would he? That's a fight waiting to happen.
Boyfriend response: Untrue. We don't give a f**k about your lipstick shade. We don't even know the different kinds of lipstick shades that are out there. As long as you are kissing us, wear whatever the hell you want.
Boys have feelings. They just don't show that they have feelings. They cry. They just don't let anyone know that they cry. Unless they were born without tear ducts. Then there's obvious reasons why they can't.
Boyfriend response: Of course we cry. We're not robots. But we only cry at the important stuff, like a broken femur or when the end of Field of Dreams is on TV. Besides, women say they like men who can cry and that is a straight-up lie. They like a man who can cry at the stuff they cry about.
Sometimes your boyfriend needs his space, even if he doesn't need space from you. Even if you both want to spend every single waking hour, minute, second and microsecond together, you're going to need some time apart. So if you go out on a girls' night, don't feel guilty. He'll love it.
Boyfriend response: YES! Exactly. Sometimes I just want to come home and play Overwatch and talk to zero people. It doesn't mean I don't like you. it means I don't like any person of the human race at this moment. So go out with your friends!
Boys worry about their appearance just as much as girls do. How's their hair? Are they getting fat? There's an internal monologue going that you won't know about until you ask him about it.
Boyfriend response: You can ask about my insecurities if you want to and I will answer them. Just know that I expect you to lie to me (see above). So if I ask "Am I fat?" you sure as hell better respond with, "Absolutely not, honey. You are yoked."
He loves you and wants you in his life forever and ever. But he's also terrified that one day "forever" will turn into "never." Relationships are a bigger gamble than anything in Vegas. If you put all of your chips on black, you could end up losing it all. Nobody wants that!
Boyfriend response: There's a great line in the Wesley Snipes movie Passenger 57 where he says, "Always bet on black." That's what I did with you and I am freaking out that I will lose everything. But you are worth that gamble.
FYI, you never answered my question about me being fat.