Carving pumpkins has definitely lost its popularity among our children. Perhaps, the youngin's may be turned off by the rather messiness of the act; afraid they could smear some of that inner-pumpkin on their latest smartphone. Or - and this is probably the more accurate reason, they've simply recognized the dangers of placing the large flaming gourds on doorsteps, blatantly obstructing the front entrances of most homes. How do we expect them to trick-or-treat with those ticking time bombs in the way? HOW!?
A tradition that's definitely dipped in popularity since we were children is the holiday's most popular: trick-or-treating. One reason for the fading numbers of trick-or-treaters is how confusing the ritual is. It's estimated that only about 10% of American citizens fully understand the sequence: children announce their arrival with "trick or treat!" followed by the homeowners handing them candy. But most find the ritual baffling and incomprehensible as this photo perfectly captures the chaotic exchange that commonly occurs on most doorsteps. Is she handing them a jack-o'-lantern? Is that a pie they've baked and delivered to her?
See! I'm writing an article about this and even I don't know how it works!
3. Forcing Your Teenage Daughters to Dress In Sexy Costumes
Dressing our children in borderline inappropriate costumes has become a growing trend among parents. Recently, I became aware of the fact that most youth and young adults are actually flat out disgusted by the practice after altering my daughter's Elsa from Frozen costume without her consent. Thinking I was doing her a favor because she isn't very popular, I was actually perpetuating the stereotype that most girls use Halloween as an opportunity to dress rather scantily clad. After consoling my hysterical daughter and apologizing for ruining her Halloween, I realized this is one custom we definitely need to stop forcing upon our children. Come on people!
4. Forcing Your Teenage Sons to Dress As Anything.
Makeup, piercings, pentagrams crudely sharpied underneath your coffee table -- You might have noticed that your teenage son's lifestyle already exhibits some of the more spooky qualities associated with Halloween. A warlock-in-training 364 days of the year, it should come as no surprise he might prefer to take a break from his routine lifestyle of Satan-worshipping and instead curl up with a good book or binge watch a good sitcom. Don't pressure him into going out and causing mischief with all of the "posers" who only dabble in the occult once a year.
What happened to the good old days when you can bite into a razor blade hidden inside your Halloween candy and have a laugh about it? Children have become rather paranoid and overly sensitive about the age old tradition which is probably another reason why the number of trick-or-treaters is rapidly depleting. Either we teach them the frightening possibility of chomping into a razor is all in good fun, or, we eliminate the practice altogether in hopes of keeping their Halloween spirits alive.
From scary corn mazes to community haunted houses to more elaborate attractions operated by popular theme parks, "haunted mazes" have grown in popularity in recent years. The problem is children have become desensitized to the scares; often leaving such attractions dissatisfied and sometimes even falling asleep mid-walkthrough, causing pedestrian piles-ups that have lead to serious injury. By completely stripping these mazes down of anything with "scare value", we offer our youth a refreshing experience. This haunted cornfield maze experienced a major spike in attendance overnight after they removed all of its spooky decor and fired all of its monster-actors. This father barely has to drag his son through the towering stalks of fun.
Studies have shown that today's trick-or-treaters actually prefer to avoid homes that are even remotely decorated for the holiday. Instead, trick-or-treaters tend to visit homes with uncovered, flickering, incandescent light bulbs and no signs of Halloween spirit in sight. One popular theory explaining the phenomena is that children have increasingly become self-loathing and feel they don't deserve any candy, especially on Halloween.
8. Sexy Halloween Parties and A Return to `Snap Apple Night'
Drunkenness, mischief, debauchery -- These are what's expected of our nation's youth on Halloween. Most, however, find it a difficult and outdated expectation to live up to. When polled, most teens and young adults actually expressed a desire in abandoning the wild partying tradition and instead revive "Snap Apple Night", a fun and festive custom once popular in the 1800s and centered around the rather boring tradition of bobbing for apples. We may never understand the sudden revival of apple-bobbing among our nation's youth, but for their fun's sake, we hope there's some sort of high they achieve from being submerged underneath the water for so long with a mouthful of apple.
Each year, millions of boys and girls practice the age old tradition of staring into a mirror on Halloween night, hoping to catch a glimpse of their future husbands. Each year, millions of boys and girls are heartbroken when they either see no one at all or someone they really wish they hadn't, often spoiling the rest of their night and lives. A bad searching-the-mirror-for-a-husband experience can bring about cheerlessness and distress, making it a wise decision to abandon the tradition and to keep our youth away from mirrors forever.
10. Purchasing A Lame Costume Because You Procrastinated
Were you planning on going as a Khaleesi? An obscure character from a 90s television show that only a handful of people at the party will appreciate? Whatever your truly unique vision was, it's too late now. How are you supposed to reinvigorate your child's diminishing Halloween spirit if you're buying the last adult-size Incredibles costume at Party City? HOW!?